What we do for love

You know how when you’re depressed you’ll be on an upswing, things will start looking better, and you think you might be getting ready to climb above that horizontal axis that divides depressed from not, and then you do something stupid, like listening to a song that you know can trigger you when you’re on the brink, and you mood starts to dip down again? Yeah, that’s where I am.

I was sitting at work, and “Nothing” from A Chorus Line got stuck in my head. And I thought hey, why don’t I download Spotify so I can listen to it. And then I moved on to “What I Did for Love.” Because I love that song. And while everyone else sees the optimism in it, I just see the ending. And not regretting that everything that came before happened, because you knew the ending would come at some point, and it was all for love, and that’s all that matters. It’s ended, and you’ll move on to your next beginning. And ending. And it got me thinking about D.

I don’t think we’re ending. But what if? What if I fall firmly on the side of kids (I still haven’t decided)? Or what if he decides that he can’t sacrifice the type of sex he needs?

I was listening to the Moth yesterday, and a story I’d heard before came on. A woman talking about how she met the love of her life, who was 18 years younger than her, when she was in Europe somewhere. And it came up that he wanted children, but she was already nearing 50 and so couldn’t have anymore. So she sought to set him up with someone else. It took a while, but she finally found the love of his life. And she was crying as she told the story of how she loved this man so much that she sought to set him up with someone who could give her what she never could. And I don’t know that I would be strong enough to do that. Or selfless enough.

Maybe this is just part of the depression. My brain spinning out things in weird directions. Or maybe it’s my subconscious trying to tell me something. Who knows.

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